FAQ about Femdom. What is Femdom?
Femdom is short for female domination (fem + dom), which means that the woman takes on a dominant, leading, active role, while the man takes on the role of the submissive, passive sub or slave who obeys his mistress and obeys her commands. The play between femdom and sub is therefore a form of BDSM.
Within this basic framework, many things are possible. Every Femdom-male sub relationship can be completely individual. There is no law that regulates how a Femdom must behave. A Femdom can enter into a FLR, a Female Led Relationship, in which there is no SM at all. However, she can also engage in SM games; this varies greatly from person to person.
For a femdom, there is only one real rule: she decides. What she decides specifically is entirely up to her. A power imbalance is characteristic of a femdom-sub dynamic. The woman leads, the man follows.
Is a femdom a dominatrix?
There are often many terms floating around in this context. Let’s briefly clarify a few things. A dominatrix is actually the term for a woman who educates men professionally, i.e., who is paid for it. In a broader sense, however, the term can also be used for a woman who educates a sub as a femdom. Most of the time, though, when people talk about a dominatrix, they mean a professional mistress.
A femdom, on the other hand, is more of a private mistress who does not offer sessions for money. I, Lady Sas, would describe myself as a private femdom. When I first started out, I also called myself a dominatrix, even though I never trained slaves professionally. Today, I would no longer call myself a dominatrix, because I have come to realize that most people understand a dominatrix to be a professional, and that is not what I am.
So: A dominatrix is usually also a femdom, i.e. a female mistress. But conversely, a femdom does not have to be a dominatrix; she is rather a mistress in a purely private capacity.
What is Femdom? – Femdom is short for female domination (fem + dom), which means that the woman takes on a dominant, leading, active role
Lady Sas
How do you address a femdom?
While we’re on the subject of terminology: to express the power imbalance between sub and femdom, the femdom is often addressed formally, while the sub is addressed informally. The femdom also gets her own femdom name, for example Lady Sas, Madame Sas, Mistress Sas, or Baroness Sas. There are no limits to the imagination. This can sometimes be a little confusing for subs. They then fall back on supposedly courtly forms of address, which can quickly take on strange characteristics. For example, I regularly receive messages addressing me as „Venerable Lady Sas.“ „Honorable Mistress“ is not honorable, but strange and sounds terribly outdated, like something from the Middle Ages. A better form of address is „Lady Sas“ in real life and online via email or text message/WhatsApp: „Dear Lady Sas“ or „Honorable Lady Sas.“
Is the femdom lifestyle an art form?
Short answer: No, it is not. Being a femdom means going through life with confidence and standing your ground in everyday life. Femdoms are strong, confident, and independent women who take control of their own destiny. That doesn’t mean that femdoms can’t also be loving and compassionate. Authentic femdoms do not have to slip into a dominant role. They are natural leaders and decision-makers. This does not exclude a femdom from treating others with respect and care.
Of course, a femdom is not a sledgehammer who always and everywhere wields the whip and has to dominate everyone else. That would be pathological and extremely antisocial behavior. Today’s modern femdom is self-confident but socially strong, a good listener, and interested in the opinions of others. One thing is also clear: femdoms are only human. A femdom is not a superwoman. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. And no one is perfect. This also applies to femdoms.
What is Femdom? – The Femdom leads, the man follows.
Lady Sas
Is being a femdom a form of female empowerment?
You could see it that way. But not every self-confident, strong woman has to be a femdom! It is absolutely not necessary to try out being a femdom if you are happy and content. The role of the femdom can still be an expression of female empowerment. The woman shows that she is in charge and lives according to her desires and ideas and fulfills herself. Sexuality is an important part of who we are. If women live out their sexuality according to their own ideas, that’s a great thing.
However, it would be wrong to pressure women to try being a mistress. This desire must come from the women themselves. They must have the opportunity to do so if they want to. Anything else would just be false pressure based on false ideas. It’s not about turning all women in the world into femdoms. Anyone who feels like it should give it a try. Everyone else can be happy without this lifestyle.
Has this BDSM variant become mainstream?
The days when BDSM was considered provocative are almost over. In the past, it was extremely frowned upon to come out as a mistress or sub, but today it is more likely to be acknowledged or even found interesting. In conservative areas such as the financial sector, however, there are still reservations, which is why BDSM practitioners hardly ever advertise their inclinations there. BDSM has taken a big step towards the mainstream, but it hasn’t quite gotten there yet. Domina is still not a profession like any other.
Best-selling books such as „Shades of Grey“ have found an audience of millions and freed BDSM from its sleazy image. That was a good step forward. The topic has not yet reached the mainstream. In the fashion and music scene, BDSM is no longer unusual – which many artists find a shame, because it means they can no longer provoke and attract attention.
How is the topic treated in film, music, culture, and the media?
In the world of film and television, femdom is repeatedly portrayed in subtle or explicit ways. Works such as „The Duke of Burgundy“ (2014: The resolute butterfly researcher Cynthia and the young Evelyn, whom she has hired as her housekeeper, have a sadomasochistic relationship characterized by dominance, power, and strict punishment rituals) or series such as „Billions“ (Wendy as a dominatrix), in which female dominance is explored through BDSM dynamics, place these practices in an aesthetic and psychologically complex context. Instead of pure eroticism, the focus is often on the interplay of power, trust, and identity.
Female artists are also picking up on the aesthetics and symbolism of female dominance in music. Madonna, Rihanna, and Lady Gaga deliberately use visual codes such as leather, whips, and dominant poses to stage power, control, and female self-determination. Such representations are often ambivalent—between empowerment and provocative staging.
In the media and the fashion world, femdom is increasingly being used as a stylistic device. High-gloss photo spreads featuring dominant female figures, often inspired by fetish fashion (latex, corsets, high heels), regularly appear in magazines such as Vogue and Dazed.
Ultimately, the cultural treatment of femdom BDSM also reflects societal discourses on gender roles, power, and sexuality. The presence of dominant female figures in the media confronts traditional notions of femininity with new images of control, lust, and self-empowerment.
Does femdom exert coercion on the sub?
A valid question! Should we feel sorry for the sub because he is being bossed around by the femdom? Do we even have to protect him because he is being beaten and abused by a femdom? No, we don’t have to, because the sub enjoys the power imbalance and does everything voluntarily. This is often difficult for outsiders and non-SM practitioners to understand. How can anyone derive pleasure from being bullied, humiliated, and even beaten?
Well, subs love being led and trained by a dominant woman. This is called a BDSM dynamic. Of course, this game has its limits. There are taboos for the sub that the femdom must not touch. The power imbalance is based on voluntary and respectful terms, and it is a sign of trust when a sub puts himself in the hands of a femdom. His humility and obedience are a gift that must be honored.
Every femdom should be aware that she only has her power because the sub gives it to her. Without the sub, she would not be a mistress. Both partners need each other. It is a give and take. That is why the mistress would do well to also take the sub’s wishes and fetishes into account. She does not have to tell him outright that she is responding to him. It looks cooler if she pretends to only do what she wants.
What visual codes indicate this tendency?
In the visual representation of femdom BDSM, certain aesthetic codes play a central role, immediately suggesting power, control, and erotic dominance. These codes primarily use clothing, body language, facial expressions, and certain props to stage a clear hierarchy between the dominant woman and her submissive counterpart.
Particularly striking are materials such as leather and latex, which are associated not only with fetishism but also with aloofness, coolness, and authority. Corsets, tight-fitting catsuits, or uniforms emphasize the body without revealing it, giving the wearer an aura of control and superiority. Accessories such as riding crops, whips, very high patent leather high heels, and collars also refer directly to sadomasochistic practices and leave no doubt about the distribution of power.
The setting also contributes to the visual language: rooms with dark colors, mirrors, metal, chains, or cages create an atmosphere between seduction and threat. Colors such as black and red dominate, symbolizing eroticism, danger, and authority. The lighting often works with strong contrasts—light versus shadow—to visually reinforce the interplay between control and vulnerability.
What practices are at the forefront of this dynamic?
The focus is on the power imbalance. Many femdoms are BDSM practitioners who derive pleasure from dominating, humiliating, and punishing the sub. Accordingly, bondage is an essential element of femdom BDSM. This means that the sub is restrained in such a way that they cannot defend themselves. For example, with ropes attached to hand and foot cuffs.
There are numerous impact toys designed to cause pleasurable pain during submissive play. These include canes, floggers, whips, and paddles. Clamps on the nipples are just as popular as hot wax and weights. There are special BDSM candles that have a lower melting point, making the pain more bearable. With the help of a strap-on dildo (strapon), the sub can be penetrated anally. This role reversal triggers a strong feeling of power in the femdom. In addition, there are many, many more variations on this theme, such as the white area (clinic), cuckolding, sissyfication, and chastity with a penis cage.
It goes without saying that hygiene and safety are key issues in these games and must be kept in mind at all times by the mistress. It is the femdom’s responsibility to ensure a safe session.
The sub must always have the option to end the session or draw attention to themselves at any time. For this purpose, there is, for example, a safeword that the sub must be able to use at any time to stop the session.
Note to readers: Subscribe to our Inner Circle Letter in English now and receive a free audiobook from us.
Femdom book recommendations:
What is Femdom? Glossary / Terms.
24/7 – a concept originating in the US, whereby the top and bottom remain in their roles 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
St. Andrew’s Cross – a large cross in the shape of an X to which the sub can be secured. The St. Andrew’s Cross is usually attached to a wall. The slave wears handcuffs and foot cuffs and is secured to the cross so that they are defenseless and at the mercy of their mistress. This can be used for nipple play or games with weights, for example.
Breath reduction – the mistress controls how much oxygen the sub receives. For example, through face sitting.
BDSM – Literally: „Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.“ A collective term for games involving dominance and submission.
Greeting – the slave kisses and licks the mistress’s shoes. He starts with the shoe that the mistress puts forward.
Brainfuck – the feeling of being completely exhausted and at the end of your rope due to mind games. The sub feels utterly drained.
Covering – A technique used to protect oneself from assault during sexual or non-sexual encounters. In short, you give a friend the phone number of your date and agree on a time when the friend will call. If the call does not come, the friend calls the number and does not give up until they have the person being covered on the phone. If necessary, the friend calls the police.
Cuckolding – the woman has sex with another man and cuckolds her husband (cucki), who gets aroused by this.
Dilator – a metal medical device used to widen the urethra. It could also be described as a stretching pin.
Dominakuss – the mistress lets her saliva run into the mouth of the sub, who is kneeling in front of her. She can also spit into his mouth (spitting).
D/s – Dominance and submission refers to the power relationship between two partners on a psychological level. The submissive submits to the mistress and submits to her authority. This also applies in everyday life. There does not have to be any sadomasochistic games between the two, but there can be.
Facesitting – the mistress sits on the slave’s face and controls how much he can breathe (this is also called queening).
Flag/flagellation – the severe punishment of a sub. For example, with a cane or whip.
Flaschenzug – an SM device with which the bound slave can be pulled up electrically. In this way, he is defenselessly at the mercy of his mistress.
Humbler – also called a „testicle rack.“ A device in which the testicles are clamped so that they stick out toward the buttocks. Well suited for CBT because the testicles are easily accessible this way.
Chastity belt – a penis cage with a lock that the mistress uses to keep the sub chaste. Abbreviation: CB.
Love swing – a reclining device attached to the ceiling that the sub can sit on. This makes his butt easily accessible and perfect for penetration by the femdom.
Golden shower (NS) – urine
RACK concept – Risk-aware consensual kink. Both partners are aware of the risks they are both mutually agreeing to take.
Pegging – anal penetration of the sub, for example with a strap-on, a dildo, or fingers.
Petplay – the slave slips into the role of an animal, such as a horse, a pig, or a dog. The mistress trains him accordingly.
Queening – the mistress sits on the sub’s face (breath reduction).
Safeword – a word agreed upon before the session that the sub can use to stop the game. „Mercy“ is often used. This is also referred to as a „code word.“
Session – an SM date, a meeting where play takes place.
Slave – a submissive man who submits to a dominant woman (the mistress, femdom) as part of a role play.
Slave position / basic slave position – typical position for a slave, expressing their submissiveness and submission. Kneeling upright, legs slightly apart, hands resting on thighs with palms facing upwards, gaze submissively lowered.
Slave toilet – a special SM toilet. The sub’s head is positioned under the toilet bowl.
Small penis humiliation (SPH) – humiliation due to a (supposedly) small penis. It does not matter whether the penis is actually large or small. Even subs with normal or even large penises love SPH.
SM party – a party specifically aimed at SM enthusiasts. There is usually a dress code so that SM enthusiasts can be among themselves. There may be parties where there are playrooms or play areas where you can retreat.
Spanking – hitting the buttocks.
Spitting – spitting on the sub.
SSC concept – principle according to which games may only be played safely, sensibly, and consensually, i.e., safely, with a clear mind, and by mutual agreement.
Strap-on – an artificial penis that a woman can strap on (strap-on dildo).
Sub – submissive man
Switcher – means switching between the roles of top and sub.
Total Power Exchange (TPE) – a concept that involves a total exchange of power. The femdom takes complete control over the sub. TPE can encompass all areas of a relationship, including money and finances. The 24/7 concept is often used instead of TPE. The difference is that TPE describes the intensity of the submission and 24/7 describes the duration. Therefore, the two cannot really be used as synonyms.
Topping from the bottom: The sub attempts to influence events from their subordinate position (wish list slave).
Strap-on dildo – an artificial penis that the femdom straps on (strap-on)
Vanilla – a person who does not practice SM. The term is often used somewhat pejoratively. Similar to the word „Muggle“ in Harry Potter. 😉
Farewell – the slave kisses and licks the mistress’s shoes. He starts with the shoe that the mistress puts forward.
Wish list slave – a sub who wants to tell the mistress how she should conduct the session.
